Contained within this incompetently designed website are the relics of an all-but-forgotten world. Some are largely irrelevant and are included simply for the sake of posterity. Others are perhaps more important and may give the visitor some insight into the nature of this world.
Burning Dog are the latter-day representatives of an artistic, musical and literary collective that is thought to stretch back several millenia. Contributors over the years have included historical characters as diverse as John the Baptist and the early 20th century Austrian philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein.
Above is a photo from the Burning Dog archive, apparently taken in the early 1920s, showing the Burning Dog band of the time. On Baritone Sax is Jorge Luis Borges (1899-1986), the Argentine Magical Realist author. On drums is John the Baptist (5BC - 33AD), otherwise known as Yahya the Precursor, the 1st Century Jewish preacher and ascetic. On banjo is Ludwig Josef Johann Wittgenstein (1889 - 1951), the Austrian philosopher and author of the "Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus". Playing the trombone is Yuri Alekseyevich Gagarin (1934-1968), the Soviet cosmonaut, and on fiddle is the writer Richard Gary Brautigan (1935-1984), author of "Trout Fishing in America". The identity of the pianist is as yet unknown, though academics are quick to point out that he appears to have the word "fuck" on his forehead.
The trustees of the Burning Dog archive have recently applied to various multi-denominational Gods and latter-day saints with the ultimate aim of the collective being recognised as a religion.
Why the sparrow, you ask?
'Such,' he said, 'O King, seems to me the present life of men on earth, in comparison with that time which to us is uncertain, as if when on a winter's night you sit feasting with your ealdormen and thegns, - a single sparrow should fly swiftly into the hall, and coming in at one door, instantly fly out through another'.
Also, if you click on him, he will give you music. He is a nice sparrow.
Tell me, child, why do you weep? Click on Robert to communicate your woes: -
Philippus Theophrastus Aureolus Bombastus von Hohenheim (or ????? ?????? ???????? ??????? ??? ????????? as he is known to the Russians) , the 16th century alchemist, physician, astrologer and occultist (and the original "Mr Boombastic") was recently overheard praising the achievements of the Burning Dog collective. However, his application to become a member was unsuccessful. The trustees considered his work to be effeminate and overly sentimental, though they were impressed by his understanding of analogue synthesis, and conceded that he could help make the squeaky noises at the end of the first album.
It is a little known fact that, during the late sixties, the Burning Dog band were made up of pre-pubescent inventors. Members included a 7-year old Thomas Edison, inventor of the light bulb, and a barely-toddling, 3-year old Bill Gates, inventor of the window. Their music took the form of light sculptures and abstract, unintelligible ramblings on subjects as diverse as rabbit breeding-patterns and stained glass windows.
It is thought that the music and lyrics were heavily influenced by the decade's drug of choice, "tea".
Below can be found various enquiries and complaints sent to various companies by various representatives of the various Burning Dog. Variously. The reason for these enquiries is not known, and it appears that none of the companies in question dignified the correspondence with any sort of reply. Only time will tell whether there was any point in making the enquiries in the first place. Some historians have suggested that they are not entirely sincere. Others have disagreed.
From: Lord Alexander Marten
To: Sainsburys (A chain of "super" markets)
Dear Sir / Madam,
I recently visited one of your Edinburgh stores. As I had friends staying for the weekend, I decided to treat them to some of your "Tagliatelle" pasta. However, I returned home to cook said pasta but was horrified to discover, on opening the packet, that the tagliatelle was NOT IN FACT GENUINE as the width of the strands was substantially under the 10mm specified by the italians, meaning that it was in fact more akin to Fettucine. I am afraid that it is unlikely that I will purchase this "tagliatelle" from your stores again and I shall not recommend this "tagliatelle" to my many friends. I may instead buy spaghetti, though I will make sure to measure it first. I have been shopping with Sainsburys for almost 2 years and this seems a shame.
From: Anatol Marten 2nd
To: Taps4Less (An Internet Based Tap Retailer)
I am writing because I am interested in buying a tap. However - it is something of a specialist tap. What I need is a very large tap - perhaps the size of a bear or a small elephant. It also needs to be covered in fur and have no means of providing water. If you are not able to supply such a tap, I'd be grateful if you could point me in the direction of someone who can. I have a considerable amount of money.
Anatol Marten 2nd
ps. If it can't be the size of a bear, I don't mind if it is extremely small - perhaps the size of an ant. Or even a scorpion.
From: Alan Martenon
To: Romperland Play (A Canadian Bench Manufacturer)
Dear Romperland Play,
I am very impressed by your benches. Very impressed. In my country, we don't have benches like this. Our benches are crude and obscure. My point is this - I think you have a big business opportunity in my country with your beautiful benches and I am willing to help you out. I am not currently working so I have a lot of time on my hands. What I suggest is that you send me 1,000 of your benches. However, as shipping costs on such a large number of beautiful benches would be considerable, I suggest you send only your very smallest benches. Could you make these benches the size of a loaf of bread for small people? I wouldn't be surprised if you could.
If you are in agreement with my suggestion, please reply asap. I haven't got much time.
From: Alanis Martenique
To: New York State Cheese Manufacturers Association (an association of cheese manufacturers in New York)
Dear Association of Manufacturers of Cheese of New York of,
If you give me 50 billion dollars, I am willing to promote New York Cheese in outer space. I have a space ship but it doesn't currently work, so I would also need some money to fix it. I will also need an extremely large quantity of anti-gravitational cheese. Normal cheese won't work as it'll just float away.
I need a reply to this request within the next 24 hours. If I do not receive said aforementioned reply in said aforementioned time-frame, I will take it to mean that you are happy to go ahead with the project. My bank account details are as follows :-
(note - bank account details have been obscured for security reasons)
Below are listed some of the areas of study that have been undertaken by members of the Burning Dog, or "the BD", as they are known in the Bronx.
Intercellular Communication & Synaptic Plasticity.
Reliable high-throughput PCR based methods, possibly using ABI GeneScan technology and sometimes repeat number haplotype frequencies.
Spatiotemporal organization and functional relations of cortical phase-synchronized oscillations in visuomotor processing.
Phase resetting tomography - a method for three-dimensional localization of stimulus-locked transient synchronization and cross-trial response clustering in the human brain using magneto-encephalography specially formulated with a unique Amino Pro-V Complex that will penetrate deep to transform a dry, fragile brain into a strong, healthy brain that shines.
Organic Nano-Antennas that are capable of passively modulating the human magnetic field for the purpose of transmitting information to the human body.
Multivariate recursive partitioning.
Nodes of ranvier.
Note : the genetic data for HelixTree is generally assumed to be phase-ambiguous.
Omar says hello :-